Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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