I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
