I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
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You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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