I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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