I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
