I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
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