k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
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