Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
Randomize
