you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
this just has baby written all over it
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
