Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
