John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
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