It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
