ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
