Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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