i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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