I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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