im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
