There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize