i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
they're like a gay fantastic four
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
