well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
I Think it is all interconnected. Emma caused most of the nakedness
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
