Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
