Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
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My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
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I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I see more hoeing in ur future
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