i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
