I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
