I'm so fucking centered right now
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
