I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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