I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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