I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
