If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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