When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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