Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
