I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I fill condoms, not promises.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
