A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
