I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize