Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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