Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
