Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
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