Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
