I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
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He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
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