The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
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I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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