my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
