If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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