He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
