Swine flu. Run for my life!
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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