Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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