You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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