I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
