I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
