If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Randomize
