Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
