I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My liver just had a heart attack.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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