You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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