We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
