I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
